Ayahuasca Journey #2 Broken Open

A month ago, I had the most difficult yet most rewarding day of my life.  I feel spiritually TRANSFORMED. It’s almost impossible to articulate the depth of this experience but I have to try to share with the World my new understanding and deep respect for the divine medicine that is Ayahuasca. For those of you that don’t know what Ayahuasca is, it is created from the vines and leaves of sacred plants from the Amazon. It was discovered by natives and used to heal and to teach. If you’re interested, there are many documentaries that attempt to explain the limitless gifts of this sacred plant but truly everyone’s experience is unique.

My first time doing ayahuasca was several years ago and though I grew from the experience, my second experience was infinitely more powerful. This time I set a STRONG intention…

To let go of the past and beliefs/ideas/relationships that do not attribute to my highest good, to explore other dimensions, to attain greater understanding of self and the Divine, to fully open myself to the teachings of the sacred plants. I especially wanted to release the pain from the relationship with my father, which has at times consumed me.

I shared this experience with my love and his mother through the Santo Daime, a spiritual practice originating in Brazil (that is a beautiful conglomeration of Indigenous, African, and Christian teachings). The ayahuasca, referred to as Daime, is drunk as part of the ceremony and the “work” begins. During this work we sang hymns (all in Portuguese) and danced (very basic choreography). The hymns are channeled and sang in a particular order to teach you specific things at a specific time in your journey. The music acts as the energetic conduit from our world to the divine world. The experience would be very different without the music. It aids you on your journey.

After the first drink of the bitter libation, I felt euphoric and confident. I felt joy and bliss and intense energy. For some reason, I kept getting a message over and over from an unknown force that I need to write a book!!! Interesting. The experience was feeling so easy (at first), that I became a bit arrogant actually, which is funny to me now. I thought, “I got this.” “I’m a yogi.” In all honesty, my yoga training did prepare me for this journey. I wouldn’t have gone to the depths I did without my understanding of yoga and I wouldn’t have known how to balance my energy, when “the work” as they call it became difficult, which I did with breathing and grounding myself and with my understanding of energy that yoga has given me. The first drink inspired within me into such a blissful, light, pure feeling.

With the second intake of this magic elixir, I became engulfed in the depths of hell. Imagine every horribly scary movie you’ve seen and image you’ve imagined… combined with the most angry/violent/negative music you’ve ever heard… and blend those images and those sounds and feelings created… and then multiply that by 1,000… I was consumed in a cold, dark, heaviness with no exit. I couldn’t see the lyrics on the hymn pages. I couldn’t move my feet to do the simplistic dance movement. I had to leave the circle and sit down. Though I refused to go to the resting area because I wanted to stay in the current. I became flooded with doubt and insecurity. Completely open/vulnerable/broken open. I was upset at myself… Why did I do this? Why did I ask to release so much????  Will I survive this? Will I still have my mind in tact? Will I become crazy? Extreme fear rocked me to my core. I looked over at my love as if to say “help me,” but he couldn’t.. men and women are separated on different sides of the room for energetic reasons… but seeing his strength inspired me. I kept feeling waves of despair then hope… I then tapped into my breathing. I grounded my feet. I thought I can withstand this one day of excruciating pain for healing/divine knowledge/understanding/peace… I can do this. It was like many years of therapy in one day. INTENSE doesn’t begin to describe the process.

At one point, my boyfriends mother, Juanita, came over to me because (as she told me later) my face was white and lips were purple. She put her hands on my as if to protect me and helped me stay strong. She was an angel… Later one of the Santo Daime members told me that she saw a dark spirit trying to enter me. We are calling all the spirits and because we are raising the vibration there is a lot of light and the dark spirits are attracted to the light as well. They want to be in the light… Juanita intuitively protected me from the spirit by placing her hand on my back (where spirits attempt to enter). Freaky! I saw such divine compassion and love radiating from Juanita towards me, for which I will be forever grateful.

I saw so clearly the good in others from the daime. I asked this divine knowledge about certain people in my life and got very clear information about some and about others nothing. I guess there is a time for certain revelations. A huge lesson for me was to release JUDGEMENT (about others and myself). People are always judging each other and themselves and it’s detrimental to our well being.

After a brief rest period, the time came for us to drink the 3rd sacrament. I was resistant to taking a 3rd helping of the daime. I felt like I had done enough “work.” But Juanita encouraged me to complete the healing. She told me we partook in the sacrament a certain number of times for a reason. I wanted to respect the process. I realized even more so how we are all one and that it would be almost selfish of me not to take on this universal spiritual cleansing. So I asked for a smaller portion of the daime and proceeded to do the work. This time was challenging (not as challenging as the 2nd drink though). Again I rode the wave of intensity, the middle of the work again being the most challenging, blending with the expression of song, and then the current resided to a peaceful/still/calm. This third drink, I learned to fully SURRENDER. I did throw up which I felt was a true symbolic physical purging of my father and all the deep rooted pain my relationship with him has caused me.

After the work. I felt reborn, FILLED to the brim with profound compassion, love, deep forgiveness, and peace. I slept the best I had in years. The next week it seemed as if I was floating, half on this plane, half in another dimension. Ayahuasca gives you new eyes. My intuition is grander. I can almost see through people…inside of them -their pain/joy/desires/insecurities/their essence. The effect of this gift also impacts those around us in ways I’m still discovering. The energy is that strong.

If you feel the calling to experience the Santo Daime, I encourage you to embark on this adventurous, deep spiritual cleansing in a protected environment while showing gratitude and respect towards the spiritual sacrament. This is not something to be taken lightly. This journey is not to just have some sort of psychedelic experience. This is DIVINE. This is MEDICINE. This is you facing all of your demons. This is the removal of illusion.

the common denominator, karma’s not a bitch unless u are, f*cking facebook, forgiveness makes your HEART more beautiful

have u ever met someone that always blames the other person for the mishaps in their life? they blame their ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, family members, co-workers etc. etc. etc. ……. instead of taking an honest assessment of their own behavior and owning up to the role that they played in the various negative outcomes… they play the victim…. instead of admitting that in all these negative situations they were the common denominator… now i know that no one is perfect and i can acknowledge times in my life when i’ve been the common denominator, especially in my past in regards to men i’ve chosen… we’ve all been there…life is about learning… growing…

but it’s deeply concerning to me when people do wrong to others yet choose to not take responsibility for their behavior… are they in complete denial? or are they just cowardly and find it easier to run away??? i’m constantly checking myself. where can i be better? how can i treat others with more love? and if anyone came to me (especially a loved one) with a concern of how i was treating them, i would look at myself and take an honest assessment and have the decency and respect to address their concerns… i had a friend who did me wrong recently.. and my loved ones wrong… and i’m fiercely protective of those i love…  this person who called herself a friend, refused to even have a conversation about the situations and instead decided to drop our friendship with an unauthentic,  pseudo-spiritual email… to end a friendship! i must mention that i was there for this girl when no one else was… in her time of darkness… i also helped connect her with her mentor (my aunt)… i introduced her to my close friends… i welcomed her into my circle…  yet when i went through things, she wasn’t there for me. when i had good things happen in my life she didn’t share in my joy… but still, i showed her compassion time and time again… and when i expressed my concerns to her in honesty and love she couldn’t take responsibility and decided to discard me because it was easier than looking at herself in the mirror… in this situation, i have to remember that people like this truly aren’t worth my energy. and i must remember that universal justice prevails and as my boy jered says “karma’s not a bitch unless you are.” sorry, i think that’s hilarious!

also, i have to figure out what are the lessons here… to know that even though i treat others with love, i can’t expect the same love in return…. or perhaps the lesson is that though it’s great to show compassion i need to be more protective of who i allow into my inner circle… it’s also a lesson in forgiveness… and a lesson in focusing on all the immensely deep and beautifully authentic friendships i do have! i’m so grateful! i have so many magnificently loving beings in my world i’m fortunate!

—–

i found out recently that i have a baby brother (which is wonderful) though the means of this discovery were less than desirable… i found this intimate bit of news on f*cking facebook of all places… so crazy… the role the social network plays in our lives… it seems like that this kind of thing would happen to a girl on tv… or in a lifetime movie.. not me. lol! … i came across my father’s wife’s photos and saw a little baby boy that happens to be my little brother! wow! what a blessing! it’s exciting! …..but at the same time it’s kind of sad to think that i had to find this out through facebook. even though my father isn’t in my life, i would’ve hoped that this would inspire him to reach out to me, yet sadly, it didn’t. and i have to accept that my father is who he is…. i can’t take it personally. he treats everyone in his life that way. thus, i’m doing my best to send him the ultimate compassion, love, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. i have to recognize that he is wounded. that my ex-friend (who de-friended me on facebook btw) is wounded. if they weren’t so wounded they wouldn’t treat others the way that they do. people sometimes act out from their own pain.

so i have to just radiate compassion and love and forgiveness towards them. which can be hard though sometimes to give that towards people who have hurt us. but fortunately, i have SO much love inside of me…i am a warrior of LOVE! and the challenge will only make my heart grow more beautiful.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain

DIVINE order

We can only see so much from where we sit in our particular bodies, in the midst of our particular lives, rooted as we are in the continuum of space and time. The divine, on the other hand, is not limited to the constructs of either space or time, and its wisdom and workings often elude us as we try to make sense of what is happening in our lives. This is why things are not always what they seem to be and even the best-laid plans are sometimes overturned. Even when we feel we have been guided by our intuition every step of the way, we may find ourselves facing unexpected loss and disappointment. At times like these, we can find some solace in trusting that no matter how bad or just plain inexplicable things look from our perspective, they are, in fact, in divine order.

Even as we take our places in this earthly realm, a part of us remains completely free of the confines we face here. Regardless of what is happening in our lives, this part of us remains infused with joy and gratitude, connected to the unbroken source from which we come. Our small self, on the other hand, who is caught up in our false identity as a being limited in space and time, regards happiness as the result of things going the way it wants them to go. It is this part of us that suffers the greatest confusion and upset when the logic of events does not compute. And it is to this self that we must extend unconditional love, forgiveness, and compassion. In order to do this, we tap into our inner divinity, holding the space of a tender authority, extending love and light to our ego as a mother extends her love to a troubled child.

There are many ways to access our inner divinity—meditation, prayer, chanting, channeling, and conscious breathing, to name a few. It is helpful to develop a regular practice that provides us access to this all-powerful, healing presence, as it can be difficult to reach once we are in a stressful position, if we have not already established a connection. The more connected we are with this part of ourselves, the more we share its unlimited vision and the secure, knowing that all the things of our life, no matter how they appear, are in a state of divine and perfect order.

It’s all happening perfectly.

4 part randomness: pop that bubble, LA IS a small town, unnecessary insults, and walking the walk

i quit my job today. this was before i noticed that there was negative -$8.71 in my account… but i would’ve done it anyway. i was debating on what to do on my way to meet my gorgeous PNC for a hike at runyon. she waited patiently as i made the call before our hike… they wanted to know why i no longer “felt that i was a good fit” and i told them the job didn’t align with my spirit… the phone was breaking up too, it was the MOST awkward way to end things… ha! but it was great to start the hike with a feeling of LIBERATION! even though i don’t know where my next source of income will be coming from, i’m ok with the uncertainty. i embrace it. i’ve been here before. and now i’m beyond ready for the next chapter. i’ve reached the glass ceiling and i’m about to break through… like in willy wonka and the chocolate factory, when they take the elevator through the glass roof. but instead of the glass shattering it’s going to be like popping a bubble, effortless and easy (right sharmila!)…

i’m starting to feel like LA is a small town… the streets and places and even faces are all so familiar now. i know all the different neighborhoods and their vibes. i guess it doesn’t hurt that i’ve moved like 10 times since i’ve lived here…. but it’s more because i run into people i know constantly. it’s weird. how can the 2nd largest city in the US feel like a small town? not in the way that in small towns everyone is super friendly but just that i feel like it’s almost incestuous. maybe incestuous isn’t the right word… or maybe it is? in some regards it is… anyway, after the hike, shar and i went to get a coffee and sat on someone’s front stoop in the shade and a sweet lady i know drove by (on this random street) and waved hello. it keeps happening, i run into people i know…in LA… it’s wonderful…even on a stranger’s stoop, on a strange random street in Hollywood… i run into someone… i remember moving here, feeling so overwhelmed and now LA is a microcosm… does that mean i need to move?

attention!!! this paragraph is written in LOVE and awareness… last night a singer that i look up to insulted me, by accident i’m sure. to compliment another singer who she was introducing me to, she said “she makes our voices look like complete shit,” or something of that nature… interesting choice of words. 1- because why did she feel it necessary to insult herself to compliment someone else. 2-because why did she feel it was necessary to insult me to compliment someone else. and 3-she and i have had this particular conversation about the importance of singers supporting each other and not playing that competition/comparison game (that i -and i thought her- greatly dislike). perhaps, it’s an awareness thing. perhaps people just aren’t truly aware of their words and their merit. and that it’s unnecessary to insult ourselves or someone else to make another person shine. i’m bringing this up not because my feelings were hurt (though they were a bit only because i admire her) but because i want everyone to feel that they don’t have to put themselves down (or another) to allow someone else to shine! we can all shine! no negative words necessary!

i got a message today from a friend who said she really admired how i walk the walk and not just talk the talk. i so appreciated it, it made my day! first of all because she is a person that walks the walk (she even works for FREE THE SLAVES- an amazing non-profit organization), so a compliment from her in this regard holds merit because i admire her and her mission! i was checking myself and making sure that i live up to being someone that “walks the walk”… i’m not perfect but i definitely aim to walk the walk… i am happy to say that when i’ve had opportunities (in particular opportunities in music) that did not align with me, i have chosen not to go that path. i speak and live my truth. yes!!! it’s liberating!

wishing u divine love, compassion, awareness, and the effortless breaking through of glass ceilings!!!

fresh perspective through the words of a stranger: my father

my mother just gave me a very interesting gift. it’s a treasure actually… my father’s journal from when he was 19… ironic considering the last blog i wrote touched on the subject of the importance of journaling and how it can be such a great tool for self reflection. it’s fascinating to me, exploring the mind of a man that i don’t really feel i know that well, my father. granted this is just a snippet of who he is… but it gave me more compassion for him… though i don’t know him that well i do have respect for his privacy so i won’t divulge everything- just show what i learned about him through reading the journal…many entries depict that the world was against him (sadness, disappointment, frustration, angst)… some entries seem perhaps spiritual (though he seemed very agnostic when i was growing up)…he even had a page where he wrote down positive and negative comments about his guitar playing (maybe to help inspire him? or give him perspective?)… there are lyrics in the book too- one that refers to “the green God of power” (aka money) -interesting to see that his relationship with money changed so much over the years… he went from condemnation to it being his primary focus… beyond family and beyond his own dreams of music…his ambition for what he thought was “success” at the time was great, it seemed to consume him… he wanted more in his life… there are beautiful rays of hope as well… in consideration to the nay-sayers or to the haters (as we call them today).. he wrote “you must pay them no heed. they know not themselves! they know not you! they know not! continue to work, push, strive, and at long last if you succeed in your wishes, you shall know it was worth it, if you should fail be not bitter… for you have a very keen sight while they are almost blind to the truth of the world.” my dad never said things like that to me.. lol. it’s refreshing to read the words of this stranger. in regards to my dream of singing he said, “maybe you’ll make it, you seem more hell bent on it than i did.” very different than the young man in the notebook… i wonder if that man is still inside of him? i wonder if he still feels that way and just doesn’t articulate it?… he talked of this eternal struggle.. of wanting to leave his mark on the world, of helping others… yet he became consumed by something that is unknown to me…something that made him become isolated from not only my life but from the world.

though there were some dark moments from my childhood and adult life with him (see poem for papa) http://andreebelle.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/papa/ or (be yourself and liberate the world) http://andreebelle.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/be-yourself-and-liberate-the-world/ … there are great things about him as well… he is brilliant (a genius inventor, he’s had over 20 patents), he’s super hard working, a self made man (first one to go to college in his family and become a prominent business man), he can be witty and charming, he’s a gifted musician, disciplined (he used to practice 8 hours a day on the guitar)… he taught me how to tell time, ride my bike, ski, and load shot gun shells (don’t ask)… and probably passed on some of his rebellious nature to me as well (i consider that a positive too )… i’m sending him love… i’m happy that my mother saved the notebook… it’s giving me a fresh perspective… though he still remains a mystery to me… well, we are mysteries to ourselves in many ways… it has impacted me in a precious way- seeing his vulnerability. i don’t know if my father will ever be in my life again. but i feel it’s important for me to see him in various lights… human beings are deep and complex… and this is part of my journey in this lifetime- having this experience with him… and i’m grateful for it’s part of why i am who i am today.

happy father’s day mama!

mami, happy father’s day! thank you for being my everything! i’m forever grateful for your love, compassion, kindness, generosity, understanding, open heart and mind, your beautiful essence! you have so much light-you glow! you can light up a room with your presence, strength, laugher, beauty, voice, and spirit! you are a goddess! without you i would not be the woman i am today. you inspire me more than u know! te extrano mucho! te amo te amo te amo!!!!