the common denominator, karma’s not a bitch unless u are, f*cking facebook, forgiveness makes your HEART more beautiful

have u ever met someone that always blames the other person for the mishaps in their life? they blame their ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, family members, co-workers etc. etc. etc. ……. instead of taking an honest assessment of their own behavior and owning up to the role that they played in the various negative outcomes… they play the victim…. instead of admitting that in all these negative situations they were the common denominator… now i know that no one is perfect and i can acknowledge times in my life when i’ve been the common denominator, especially in my past in regards to men i’ve chosen… we’ve all been there…life is about learning… growing…

but it’s deeply concerning to me when people do wrong to others yet choose to not take responsibility for their behavior… are they in complete denial? or are they just cowardly and find it easier to run away??? i’m constantly checking myself. where can i be better? how can i treat others with more love? and if anyone came to me (especially a loved one) with a concern of how i was treating them, i would look at myself and take an honest assessment and have the decency and respect to address their concerns… i had a friend who did me wrong recently.. and my loved ones wrong… and i’m fiercely protective of those i love…  this person who called herself a friend, refused to even have a conversation about the situations and instead decided to drop our friendship with an unauthentic,  pseudo-spiritual email… to end a friendship! i must mention that i was there for this girl when no one else was… in her time of darkness… i also helped connect her with her mentor (my aunt)… i introduced her to my close friends… i welcomed her into my circle…  yet when i went through things, she wasn’t there for me. when i had good things happen in my life she didn’t share in my joy… but still, i showed her compassion time and time again… and when i expressed my concerns to her in honesty and love she couldn’t take responsibility and decided to discard me because it was easier than looking at herself in the mirror… in this situation, i have to remember that people like this truly aren’t worth my energy. and i must remember that universal justice prevails and as my boy jered says “karma’s not a bitch unless you are.” sorry, i think that’s hilarious!

also, i have to figure out what are the lessons here… to know that even though i treat others with love, i can’t expect the same love in return…. or perhaps the lesson is that though it’s great to show compassion i need to be more protective of who i allow into my inner circle… it’s also a lesson in forgiveness… and a lesson in focusing on all the immensely deep and beautifully authentic friendships i do have! i’m so grateful! i have so many magnificently loving beings in my world i’m fortunate!

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i found out recently that i have a baby brother (which is wonderful) though the means of this discovery were less than desirable… i found this intimate bit of news on f*cking facebook of all places… so crazy… the role the social network plays in our lives… it seems like that this kind of thing would happen to a girl on tv… or in a lifetime movie.. not me. lol! … i came across my father’s wife’s photos and saw a little baby boy that happens to be my little brother! wow! what a blessing! it’s exciting! …..but at the same time it’s kind of sad to think that i had to find this out through facebook. even though my father isn’t in my life, i would’ve hoped that this would inspire him to reach out to me, yet sadly, it didn’t. and i have to accept that my father is who he is…. i can’t take it personally. he treats everyone in his life that way. thus, i’m doing my best to send him the ultimate compassion, love, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. i have to recognize that he is wounded. that my ex-friend (who de-friended me on facebook btw) is wounded. if they weren’t so wounded they wouldn’t treat others the way that they do. people sometimes act out from their own pain.

so i have to just radiate compassion and love and forgiveness towards them. which can be hard though sometimes to give that towards people who have hurt us. but fortunately, i have SO much love inside of me…i am a warrior of LOVE! and the challenge will only make my heart grow more beautiful.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain

focusing on the love…

last saturday night my house was filled with so much love… so much warmth, openness, connectedness… the perfect music mix courtesy of DJ Christian Gamez, more than enough varieties of alcohol, comida rica, and even some mistletoe that under i received an absolutely delicious kiss from one of my best friends… there were good hearted people having interesting conversations… everyone at ease… i set that intention of love and connection as i was getting ready for our holiday fiesta. everyone kept mentioning what great friends i have…i do! i am extremely fortunate that i have so much love in my life.

yet today i woke up the next day feeling sad. despite all the love in my life, the sadness concerning the relationship with my father has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately….  it has been almost 3 years since i’ve heard from him. and it just doesn’t make any sense to me… i spoke to my grandfather, my father’s father, yesterday. we’re not very close and don’t talk that often but i called him to give my condolences for his sister ila’s passing. (she was a lovely lady who shared her passion for reading with me which inspired my lifelong obsession). my grandfather brought up the subject of my dad and almost sounded as if he was crying. now this is not a man that shows any emotion… in fact if something emotional is brought up he usually finds a way to change the subject in an often abrupt manner, usually about the weather…. he said my dad hadn’t talked to him in years as well and he still sends him birthday cards and even left him a message saying that he loved him… but still he never hears back from him…he sounded so wounded… then he suggested that we change the subject… one of my friends said well you know it’s not just you that your dad distances himself from, he treats others that way too. but that really doesn’t give me any peace. it’s just sad. as his only child i’ve often wished that i could be the exception…

but i know i can’t get caught up in that sadness. i’ve done all i can do. given all i could give. yes it makes me sad that i don’t have a loving father in my life. but i know the only choice i have is to focus on the amazing LOVE that is in my life! especially my incredible mother who’s profound love more than makes up for his lack of love, the love my martinez family shares, the love of my sisters (my beautiful girlfriends), the love of my man, my love for music. so that’s what i’m doing focusing on the love… and then one day that’s all that i’ll feel… love.

fresh perspective through the words of a stranger: my father

my mother just gave me a very interesting gift. it’s a treasure actually… my father’s journal from when he was 19… ironic considering the last blog i wrote touched on the subject of the importance of journaling and how it can be such a great tool for self reflection. it’s fascinating to me, exploring the mind of a man that i don’t really feel i know that well, my father. granted this is just a snippet of who he is… but it gave me more compassion for him… though i don’t know him that well i do have respect for his privacy so i won’t divulge everything- just show what i learned about him through reading the journal…many entries depict that the world was against him (sadness, disappointment, frustration, angst)… some entries seem perhaps spiritual (though he seemed very agnostic when i was growing up)…he even had a page where he wrote down positive and negative comments about his guitar playing (maybe to help inspire him? or give him perspective?)… there are lyrics in the book too- one that refers to “the green God of power” (aka money) -interesting to see that his relationship with money changed so much over the years… he went from condemnation to it being his primary focus… beyond family and beyond his own dreams of music…his ambition for what he thought was “success” at the time was great, it seemed to consume him… he wanted more in his life… there are beautiful rays of hope as well… in consideration to the nay-sayers or to the haters (as we call them today).. he wrote “you must pay them no heed. they know not themselves! they know not you! they know not! continue to work, push, strive, and at long last if you succeed in your wishes, you shall know it was worth it, if you should fail be not bitter… for you have a very keen sight while they are almost blind to the truth of the world.” my dad never said things like that to me.. lol. it’s refreshing to read the words of this stranger. in regards to my dream of singing he said, “maybe you’ll make it, you seem more hell bent on it than i did.” very different than the young man in the notebook… i wonder if that man is still inside of him? i wonder if he still feels that way and just doesn’t articulate it?… he talked of this eternal struggle.. of wanting to leave his mark on the world, of helping others… yet he became consumed by something that is unknown to me…something that made him become isolated from not only my life but from the world.

though there were some dark moments from my childhood and adult life with him (see poem for papa) http://andreebelle.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/papa/ or (be yourself and liberate the world) http://andreebelle.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/be-yourself-and-liberate-the-world/ … there are great things about him as well… he is brilliant (a genius inventor, he’s had over 20 patents), he’s super hard working, a self made man (first one to go to college in his family and become a prominent business man), he can be witty and charming, he’s a gifted musician, disciplined (he used to practice 8 hours a day on the guitar)… he taught me how to tell time, ride my bike, ski, and load shot gun shells (don’t ask)… and probably passed on some of his rebellious nature to me as well (i consider that a positive too )… i’m sending him love… i’m happy that my mother saved the notebook… it’s giving me a fresh perspective… though he still remains a mystery to me… well, we are mysteries to ourselves in many ways… it has impacted me in a precious way- seeing his vulnerability. i don’t know if my father will ever be in my life again. but i feel it’s important for me to see him in various lights… human beings are deep and complex… and this is part of my journey in this lifetime- having this experience with him… and i’m grateful for it’s part of why i am who i am today.

breaking open the head with sacred plants…

this past Easter, i had the great privilege to partake in a sacred plant called ayahuasca, a plant considered a gift from God that has been used for 1000s of years by the indigenous for spiritual growth… this sacred plant is POWERFUL…there is a huge misconception of what ayahuasca is, some claim it is like a crazy hallucinogenic drug… and those that know me, know that i don’t do drugs… after my research (i read “breaking open the head” and many, many articles -positive and negative about ayahuasca) and personal experience, i believe this plant is a healer…

my love, Dre, and i went with his mother, Juanita, who is a part of the santo daime (which literally means “give me”), a loving, supportive, open-minded community that conducts ceremonies using ayahuasca, which are called works.  the works are typically several hours long and consist of drinking daime (ayahuasca) and either sitting or dancing while singing hymns and playing maracas, or sitting in silent concentration. the benefit about doing ayahuasca with the santo daime is that you have a community to support you with your experience, it is more collective… 

as i went to take my first drink of the bitter tea, i thought/prayed/held the intention “teach me.” i really want to learn/grow/evolve/get past my pain/understand/transcend… at first, i didn’t feel anything… 20 minutes later i was hit hard… they don’t call it work for nothing! i was having a hard time singing the hymns (which are a mix of Christian/African/Native influences)…then i saw white and gold and purple light surrounding Juanita and i. it was beautiful… the daime told me things- in ways i can’t begin to articulate. it showed me the purpose of certain friendships in my life. i realized that certain friends did not remain in my life because of their materialistic nature and their influence over me and that if they had stayed in my life- i wouldn’t have evolved in the same way. it told me that my friends aneesah and shar are important friendships for the evolution of my soul… ironically, though i was (in a way) participating in a religious practice, i came to the understanding that we are connected to the divine and we need not allow religion or dogma to take that direct connection away from us. (though spirits, saints, the sacred practices are to be respected and honored)…i saw clearly how there are infinite ways to interpret our experiences and infinite universes (the multiverse). the plant was teaching me that we all want to connect but it’s essential to connect authentically… i felt how deeply i love Dre, how he teaches me to love deeper, to go beyond what i thought love was and how to understand love in a new way… i felt how women should have babies for the right reasons not just because it’s expected… in fact, we should not just go along with what’s expected of us in this supposed progression that is considered “correct” – i saw how important it is for everyone to honor their own path… i got a little freaked out when the right side of my body went numb. i couldn’t move it and i thought i was paralyzed… i was thinking i’ll never dance again!… it was painful, heavy…i took a breath… Juanita said paralysis never happened to her but she’d heard of it happening to others for a brief period and that i would be fine… she said to breathe and concentrate on the hymns… later i looked up in my book (you can heal your life) and saw that the right side of the body is representative of the masculine- i immediately knew this was the daime’s way of helping me to heal my past issues with my father. eventually it subsided and when it came time for the 2nd dose of the daime i opted to take a smaller amount. this time i was inside myself more… observing, feeling…. i felt like i was inside everyone around me that there was no separation… i could see and feel deeply all of their beauty and pain…also, through the constant music during the ceremony,  i experienced in a whole other way music’s power to connect with the divine. which connected me even more to my purpose to sing!  

the daime isn’t for everyone. you have to be ready for this profound experience. and you have to be with people you trust…it’s not something i feel i could do on a regular basis… but to each their own…i would be open to trying it again and see what it teaches me… it opened me up… in fact for days i had a hard time putting myself back together again… i would feel/take on/empathize/be inside everyone’s energy even more than i already do (which is a lot!-i’m super sensitive to people’s energy)… but it’s a good lesson for me- to learn to be empathetic/feeling, to understand others but to protect myself as well. overall it was a valuable healing experience… good for the evolution of my soul… love and blessings to your soul on whatever path it takes you…

Juanita’s art entitled “Motherboard.”

poem for papa

I cut myself until it bleeds

descending the drain drip memories

the midnight blue u made her face

gently, slowly they wash away

her tears transformed from dark to clear

from your neglect my deepest fears

I knew too much little ones shouldn’t know

unnatural chaos so why’d it hurt when you’d go

a myriad of infidelity

as u created her insanity, it affected me…

as I searched for love outside myself

sanctioned by my sexuality

thought the boys found my beauty you could never see

working the pole to get my college degree

as you wouldn’t contribute to my dreams with your wealth

then history repeated itself

as his words of fury manifested to rampage

imprisoned for 2 years put myself in a cage

though I battled with continuing my life

I chose to surrender instead of to fight

liberated myself, to find who I am

and now I soar beyond the sun

and now I feel how we’re all one

and even when past issues creep up

I know my strength and truth, and I will overcome

now I can get through anything

even inspire others to live their dreams

and papa there’s no animosity

I give u love and I set u free