the common denominator, karma’s not a bitch unless u are, f*cking facebook, forgiveness makes your HEART more beautiful

have u ever met someone that always blames the other person for the mishaps in their life? they blame their ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, family members, co-workers etc. etc. etc. ……. instead of taking an honest assessment of their own behavior and owning up to the role that they played in the various negative outcomes… they play the victim…. instead of admitting that in all these negative situations they were the common denominator… now i know that no one is perfect and i can acknowledge times in my life when i’ve been the common denominator, especially in my past in regards to men i’ve chosen… we’ve all been there…life is about learning… growing…

but it’s deeply concerning to me when people do wrong to others yet choose to not take responsibility for their behavior… are they in complete denial? or are they just cowardly and find it easier to run away??? i’m constantly checking myself. where can i be better? how can i treat others with more love? and if anyone came to me (especially a loved one) with a concern of how i was treating them, i would look at myself and take an honest assessment and have the decency and respect to address their concerns… i had a friend who did me wrong recently.. and my loved ones wrong… and i’m fiercely protective of those i love…  this person who called herself a friend, refused to even have a conversation about the situations and instead decided to drop our friendship with an unauthentic,  pseudo-spiritual email… to end a friendship! i must mention that i was there for this girl when no one else was… in her time of darkness… i also helped connect her with her mentor (my aunt)… i introduced her to my close friends… i welcomed her into my circle…  yet when i went through things, she wasn’t there for me. when i had good things happen in my life she didn’t share in my joy… but still, i showed her compassion time and time again… and when i expressed my concerns to her in honesty and love she couldn’t take responsibility and decided to discard me because it was easier than looking at herself in the mirror… in this situation, i have to remember that people like this truly aren’t worth my energy. and i must remember that universal justice prevails and as my boy jered says “karma’s not a bitch unless you are.” sorry, i think that’s hilarious!

also, i have to figure out what are the lessons here… to know that even though i treat others with love, i can’t expect the same love in return…. or perhaps the lesson is that though it’s great to show compassion i need to be more protective of who i allow into my inner circle… it’s also a lesson in forgiveness… and a lesson in focusing on all the immensely deep and beautifully authentic friendships i do have! i’m so grateful! i have so many magnificently loving beings in my world i’m fortunate!

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i found out recently that i have a baby brother (which is wonderful) though the means of this discovery were less than desirable… i found this intimate bit of news on f*cking facebook of all places… so crazy… the role the social network plays in our lives… it seems like that this kind of thing would happen to a girl on tv… or in a lifetime movie.. not me. lol! … i came across my father’s wife’s photos and saw a little baby boy that happens to be my little brother! wow! what a blessing! it’s exciting! …..but at the same time it’s kind of sad to think that i had to find this out through facebook. even though my father isn’t in my life, i would’ve hoped that this would inspire him to reach out to me, yet sadly, it didn’t. and i have to accept that my father is who he is…. i can’t take it personally. he treats everyone in his life that way. thus, i’m doing my best to send him the ultimate compassion, love, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. i have to recognize that he is wounded. that my ex-friend (who de-friended me on facebook btw) is wounded. if they weren’t so wounded they wouldn’t treat others the way that they do. people sometimes act out from their own pain.

so i have to just radiate compassion and love and forgiveness towards them. which can be hard though sometimes to give that towards people who have hurt us. but fortunately, i have SO much love inside of me…i am a warrior of LOVE! and the challenge will only make my heart grow more beautiful.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel on the heel that has crushed it.” ~Mark Twain

self-realization and impure thoughts

my notes from the service i attended last night at encinita’s self-realization center: 

*we tend to segregate our spiritual life from the other facets of our life- almost as if there are categories that we create in our minds (spiritual section, relationship section, health section, job section etc.)… the monk at the realization center was sharing that these are all one… and to have satisfaction in the many facets in our life we must immerse our spiritual life into each… therefore your relationships or your job won’t be as fulfilling without having spirit intertwined… and with this connection of them all being one we find balance in our lives…

*in the times when we feel no love in our hearts… the times when we are most disconnected from (God, the universe, the source, the world, nature, yourself -whatever it is you believe in) are the times when trusting in (God, the universe, etc.) is most important…and when you come through whatever it is you’re going through and have trusted that is when deep spiritual growth and transformation occurs….

*the people that we find difficult to be around for whatever reason are in our lives for a reason (to teach us something)

*again thinking of your spiritual life much like you would other areas of your life in that progression is a step by step process… sometimes i want to take leaps in my life… and then i get frustrated… it was good to be reminded to take steps and enjoy the journey…

*offer the gifts not of what you have but what you are

*now if i can just rid myself of these impure thoughts i’m having during meditation….

 

breaking open the head with sacred plants…

this past Easter, i had the great privilege to partake in a sacred plant called ayahuasca, a plant considered a gift from God that has been used for 1000s of years by the indigenous for spiritual growth… this sacred plant is POWERFUL…there is a huge misconception of what ayahuasca is, some claim it is like a crazy hallucinogenic drug… and those that know me, know that i don’t do drugs… after my research (i read “breaking open the head” and many, many articles -positive and negative about ayahuasca) and personal experience, i believe this plant is a healer…

my love, Dre, and i went with his mother, Juanita, who is a part of the santo daime (which literally means “give me”), a loving, supportive, open-minded community that conducts ceremonies using ayahuasca, which are called works.  the works are typically several hours long and consist of drinking daime (ayahuasca) and either sitting or dancing while singing hymns and playing maracas, or sitting in silent concentration. the benefit about doing ayahuasca with the santo daime is that you have a community to support you with your experience, it is more collective… 

as i went to take my first drink of the bitter tea, i thought/prayed/held the intention “teach me.” i really want to learn/grow/evolve/get past my pain/understand/transcend… at first, i didn’t feel anything… 20 minutes later i was hit hard… they don’t call it work for nothing! i was having a hard time singing the hymns (which are a mix of Christian/African/Native influences)…then i saw white and gold and purple light surrounding Juanita and i. it was beautiful… the daime told me things- in ways i can’t begin to articulate. it showed me the purpose of certain friendships in my life. i realized that certain friends did not remain in my life because of their materialistic nature and their influence over me and that if they had stayed in my life- i wouldn’t have evolved in the same way. it told me that my friends aneesah and shar are important friendships for the evolution of my soul… ironically, though i was (in a way) participating in a religious practice, i came to the understanding that we are connected to the divine and we need not allow religion or dogma to take that direct connection away from us. (though spirits, saints, the sacred practices are to be respected and honored)…i saw clearly how there are infinite ways to interpret our experiences and infinite universes (the multiverse). the plant was teaching me that we all want to connect but it’s essential to connect authentically… i felt how deeply i love Dre, how he teaches me to love deeper, to go beyond what i thought love was and how to understand love in a new way… i felt how women should have babies for the right reasons not just because it’s expected… in fact, we should not just go along with what’s expected of us in this supposed progression that is considered “correct” – i saw how important it is for everyone to honor their own path… i got a little freaked out when the right side of my body went numb. i couldn’t move it and i thought i was paralyzed… i was thinking i’ll never dance again!… it was painful, heavy…i took a breath… Juanita said paralysis never happened to her but she’d heard of it happening to others for a brief period and that i would be fine… she said to breathe and concentrate on the hymns… later i looked up in my book (you can heal your life) and saw that the right side of the body is representative of the masculine- i immediately knew this was the daime’s way of helping me to heal my past issues with my father. eventually it subsided and when it came time for the 2nd dose of the daime i opted to take a smaller amount. this time i was inside myself more… observing, feeling…. i felt like i was inside everyone around me that there was no separation… i could see and feel deeply all of their beauty and pain…also, through the constant music during the ceremony,  i experienced in a whole other way music’s power to connect with the divine. which connected me even more to my purpose to sing!  

the daime isn’t for everyone. you have to be ready for this profound experience. and you have to be with people you trust…it’s not something i feel i could do on a regular basis… but to each their own…i would be open to trying it again and see what it teaches me… it opened me up… in fact for days i had a hard time putting myself back together again… i would feel/take on/empathize/be inside everyone’s energy even more than i already do (which is a lot!-i’m super sensitive to people’s energy)… but it’s a good lesson for me- to learn to be empathetic/feeling, to understand others but to protect myself as well. overall it was a valuable healing experience… good for the evolution of my soul… love and blessings to your soul on whatever path it takes you…

Juanita’s art entitled “Motherboard.”

detours to our dreams and lessons learned

our dreams often don’t unfold the way we planned… we can envision our dream becoming a reality, work towards our dream diligently, and trust that the universe (or God) will make everything align and still the dream doesn’t SEEM to come into fruition… but i believe we should dare to adjust our perception and think perhaps this is just a detour, a lesson to be learned before our dream comes true… and perhaps our dream might come true in an even grander way… there are INFINITE POSSIBILITES!!!!…   

now that the album is in the completion phase, i can reflect and see the detours to my dreams and the lessons i’ve learned…. here’s the cliffs notes version on the reflection of how i’ve arrived to where i am today…..i grew up singing, knowing this is what i wanted to do… i loved growing up in North Carolina but was super focused on going to NYC after high school to pursue music. unfortunately, i was discouraged by many to go to a place so big where i would be swallowed up by heathens or something like that…so i ended up staying in NC and going to study opera for 2 years at UNCG… (detour: Greensboro, NC) (lesson learned: don’t let anyone tell you where/how you should live your life)… my music education was valuable and i made some great friendships yet i didn’t really get a sense of the music business in the small town of Greensboro… fortunately, my uncle mario heard me sing at my mom’s wedding and encouraged me to come to LA to sing and live with him there. so july 4, 2001, i left to drive across country to explore this other world (because it IS another world)… the first year here i sang back up gigs, made a pop demo (that was supposed to consist of  music i wrote but ended up being butchered, over processed, and unauthentic) (lesson learned: make music that truly represents who you are and what you’re about)… also, my dad stopped talking to me i think (i’m still not sure) because he was upset that i was dropping out of school-though i never said i was dropping out it was more of a break really- after a year of adjustment to LA, i ended up going to USC’s School of Music and studying jazz (much more fitting for my love of freedom and improvisation in music)… unfortunately, because i had a jealous, insecure boyfriend i didn’t gig that much- he was very threatened by me collaborating with others (lesson learned: don’t let others hold you back from living your dream- it they’re trying to hold you back they don’t really know how to love you)… also, i was working in a burlesque / gentleman’s club to pay for the other half of my tuition that wasn’t covered with grants…(so many lessons learned there – see my blog on empowerment through our sexuality)… not a very healthy environment… after school i took yet another 2 year detour (i didn’t know how to really go for it… and i was scared)… (detour: The William Morris Agency). after learning a ridiculous amount about the music business (my boss was amazing enough to let me sit in on all the meetings with these music biz geniuses), i still found myself unhappy on the business side of things and not doing what i was meant to be doing- SINGING damn it! (lesson learned: sometimes we have to take detours to gain information that will later help us excel in our dreams!!!). so i did some spiritual work (i need many blogs to express the spiritual work i did and am still doing), i read countless books one called “feel the fear and do it anyway” (i know -bad title but good book for me at the time), i reread “the alchemist” (the book that made me believe in signs and influenced my big move to LA in the first place), also took in “the power of the subconscious mind” and absorbed many, many other books… i’m a queen of inspirational reads- i can send you a list just email me … things shifted. i transformed. (well i’m still transforming!) then i just went for it! i even reached out to musicians way beyond my echelon for advice, guidance, and connections. why not? what did i have to lose? (lesson learned: always aim to surround yourself with people that know more than you do in order to grow)… and from reaching out to Prince’s keyboard player, who didn’t have time to produce my record as he was on tour with Prince, i was connected with the super talented Andre De Sant’anna who produced and co-wrote M.U.S.I.C. with me  (a dream come true), which has been the last 2 years of my life (along with way too much for this blog – that’s more bio material 40 years from now)… And out of our musical collaboration a deep love flourished… (lessons learned: our dreams sometimes are intertwined (a dream of love and music), sometimes they don’t come true in the way we expect them to, and sometimes they unfold grander than we imagined)…

now to dream a bigger dream