luz

luz en los ojos y en la mirada

luz en los besos y la sangre

luz en la piel y la sonrisa

luz en los suenos y en el alma

me encanta la gente con luz

freaking the f*ck out!!!!

recently i’ve been freaking the f*ck out!!!! and it seems that some close to me are having little mini nervous break downs of their own… feeling stagnate, depressed, frustrated, heart broken, misdirected, unsure, etc. etc. etc…. i just want to remind everyone that you are not alone and you can turn it around… i’m doing so at this very moment… reclaiming my power… and you can reclaim yours. yes sometimes u gotta just feel that sh*t and it sucks… sometimes u have to be down… but we have to ultimately make the decision to pick ourselves up and TURN IT AROUND… do what u need to do…cry, scream, write, create, sing, dance, make love, cook, do yoga, go sky diving, go hiking, be in nature, go to the beach, take a vacation, SAY AFFIRMATIONS, read an inspiring book, spend time with loved ones, spend time alone, get silly, let others know what you’re going through, be more compassionate, seek understanding, make a list of everything you are grateful for, treat yourself, find healthy detachment to the situation, have those long deep conversations over coffee and work through it (thank you Sharmila Rose)… do what u need to do to get feeling good again…whatever that may be for you.. and know that the hard times, the challenges are just helping you grow…and become… more of the amazing being you already are… and happiness is closer than you think…  :) 

you are light. you are love. you are stronger than you know. 

fresh perspective through the words of a stranger: my father

my mother just gave me a very interesting gift. it’s a treasure actually… my father’s journal from when he was 19… ironic considering the last blog i wrote touched on the subject of the importance of journaling and how it can be such a great tool for self reflection. it’s fascinating to me, exploring the mind of a man that i don’t really feel i know that well, my father. granted this is just a snippet of who he is… but it gave me more compassion for him… though i don’t know him that well i do have respect for his privacy so i won’t divulge everything- just show what i learned about him through reading the journal…many entries depict that the world was against him (sadness, disappointment, frustration, angst)… some entries seem perhaps spiritual (though he seemed very agnostic when i was growing up)…he even had a page where he wrote down positive and negative comments about his guitar playing (maybe to help inspire him? or give him perspective?)… there are lyrics in the book too- one that refers to “the green God of power” (aka money) -interesting to see that his relationship with money changed so much over the years… he went from condemnation to it being his primary focus… beyond family and beyond his own dreams of music…his ambition for what he thought was “success” at the time was great, it seemed to consume him… he wanted more in his life… there are beautiful rays of hope as well… in consideration to the nay-sayers or to the haters (as we call them today).. he wrote “you must pay them no heed. they know not themselves! they know not you! they know not! continue to work, push, strive, and at long last if you succeed in your wishes, you shall know it was worth it, if you should fail be not bitter… for you have a very keen sight while they are almost blind to the truth of the world.” my dad never said things like that to me.. lol. it’s refreshing to read the words of this stranger. in regards to my dream of singing he said, “maybe you’ll make it, you seem more hell bent on it than i did.” very different than the young man in the notebook… i wonder if that man is still inside of him? i wonder if he still feels that way and just doesn’t articulate it?… he talked of this eternal struggle.. of wanting to leave his mark on the world, of helping others… yet he became consumed by something that is unknown to me…something that made him become isolated from not only my life but from the world.

though there were some dark moments from my childhood and adult life with him (see poem for papa) http://andreebelle.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/papa/ or (be yourself and liberate the world) http://andreebelle.wordpress.com/2009/07/17/be-yourself-and-liberate-the-world/ … there are great things about him as well… he is brilliant (a genius inventor, he’s had over 20 patents), he’s super hard working, a self made man (first one to go to college in his family and become a prominent business man), he can be witty and charming, he’s a gifted musician, disciplined (he used to practice 8 hours a day on the guitar)… he taught me how to tell time, ride my bike, ski, and load shot gun shells (don’t ask)… and probably passed on some of his rebellious nature to me as well (i consider that a positive too )… i’m sending him love… i’m happy that my mother saved the notebook… it’s giving me a fresh perspective… though he still remains a mystery to me… well, we are mysteries to ourselves in many ways… it has impacted me in a precious way- seeing his vulnerability. i don’t know if my father will ever be in my life again. but i feel it’s important for me to see him in various lights… human beings are deep and complex… and this is part of my journey in this lifetime- having this experience with him… and i’m grateful for it’s part of why i am who i am today.

we are naked in such a beautiful way

it’s strange having my own space again… i have a closet again where i can put my shoes (they were in my car trunk perviously, or smashed underneath various tools/cases/cables/wires)…i can walk around naked again (even my boyfriend is like “damn you are really always naked now”)… i can take a bubble bath (the last place of residence wasn’t conducive to taking long leisurely baths- too many people for one bathroom you know…) and now i can have super loud sex again (without having to be muffled)… liberation!!! i almost feel like a guest in someone’s home and they’ll be home any minute now… lol. i’m setting mood lighting just for myself… using the dimmers to their fullest capacity. it’s lovely…it’s beautiful… and it’s quiet…

during my relaxing bath i took out all my old journals and it made for some good reading… i learned so much about myself… how i’ve evolved and where i still have yet to grow as an individual and within my relationships… everyone should keep some written account of their lives-it’s fascinating… we really are creating out own story…our legacy… and too often we forget those truly magnificent, precious, rare moments. i read in one journal a memory that brought tears to my eyes. i was recalling the love of an ex boyfriend who wrote at an interactive museum exhibit at LACMA  ”Andree is eternal love, light, passion, manifestation of God on Earth”… i read my deepest thoughts on my current relationship and how things have changed and what has stayed the same… i read my musical doubts and fears and hopes and goals… and it reminded me even more of what i want in my life and how i’m getting there… i found so many poems and song ideas… it was like finding little crazy written treasures of knowledge or inspiration within each journal of my bizarre calligraphy. 

this reflection helped to clear my head a bit… so much is on my mind and heart lately… about what is true in our world. about authenticity in people especially in the city of LA… about communication… honesty… what is saying too much… i’ve always felt i should speak my truth to my fullest capacity… that by speaking my truth i was free… and though we may feel super exposed and vulnerable by this type of honesty it liberates us energetically in ways we don’t even comprehend. we are naked in such a beautiful way. i think people are generally one way or the other… they typically are outspoken or keep mostly to themselves- rarely have i met someone in between…there is a downside to sometimes speaking ones truth… u might feel embarrassment, shame, guilt, confusion, rejected, judged or sad… but i think those feelings stem not from speaking our truth but having  expectations of how others should react to our truth…another lesson i learned from my girl anessah…sometimes i don’t have to fully expose myself- my inner most thoughts/dreams/feelings to everyone i care about… 1-sometimes it can be selfish behavior in that they don’t want to know/they are better off not knowing and 2-some people aren’t deserving of knowing the depths of us… i’m almost too open… i even had a man that works with energy tell me that i put my energy out like 20 feet in front of me… that i need to almost contain what i’m radiating a bit more… it’s about balance.  last night at the doheny, the door man and i got into a great conversation about being an artist and the importance of vulnerability – he brought it up actually… and he said, “it’s courageous to be vulnerable” and i took it as a sign that it was good for me to expose myself (i need not be so hard on myself for being so open and be as honest as i am)… i am brave for speaking my truth fearlessly… though i do now feel that  though it’s beautiful to be exposed and have this nakedness of our truest feelings but sometimes we have to be aware who we’re naked around or just be naked without caring of the consequences… but that seems a bit irresponsible?

come a little closer

so you can sing along…

i feel your energy/slowly come over me/it makes me do things/say things/beyond my craziest dreams/didn’t know i could be so bold/with you i’m so exposed/i’m coming out my body and i’m fallin into yours

getting heavy i can’t pull away/so come a little/come a little closer now/our hearts are brave atleast that’s what they say/so come a little/come a little closer now

our star divides in two/which creates me and you/found universal truth/your love it was the root/the way we stir it up/we cannot hide/behind your left shoulder i saw the light

getting heavy i can’t pull away/so come a little/come a little closer now/our hearts are brave atleast that’s what they say/so come a little/come a little closer now…

—

“behind your left shoulder i saw the light” is a reference from a Paulo Coelho book, where he says that you see a light over the left shoulder of your soul mate…

“the way we stir it up” Bob Marley reference. i love putting references in songs from other artists that have inspired me

listen on myspace.com/andreebelle

happy father’s day mama!

mami, happy father’s day! thank you for being my everything! i’m forever grateful for your love, compassion, kindness, generosity, understanding, open heart and mind, your beautiful essence! you have so much light-you glow! you can light up a room with your presence, strength, laugher, beauty, voice, and spirit! you are a goddess! without you i would not be the woman i am today. you inspire me more than u know! te extrano mucho! te amo te amo te amo!!!!

breaking open the head with sacred plants…

this past Easter, i had the great privilege to partake in a sacred plant called ayahuasca, a plant considered a gift from God that has been used for 1000s of years by the indigenous for spiritual growth… this sacred plant is POWERFUL…there is a huge misconception of what ayahuasca is, some claim it is like a crazy hallucinogenic drug… and those that know me, know that i don’t do drugs… after my research (i read “breaking open the head” and many, many articles -positive and negative about ayahuasca) and personal experience, i believe this plant is a healer…

my love, Dre, and i went with his mother, Juanita, who is a part of the santo daime (which literally means “give me”), a loving, supportive, open-minded community that conducts ceremonies using ayahuasca, which are called works.  the works are typically several hours long and consist of drinking daime (ayahuasca) and either sitting or dancing while singing hymns and playing maracas, or sitting in silent concentration. the benefit about doing ayahuasca with the santo daime is that you have a community to support you with your experience, it is more collective… 

as i went to take my first drink of the bitter tea, i thought/prayed/held the intention “teach me.” i really want to learn/grow/evolve/get past my pain/understand/transcend… at first, i didn’t feel anything… 20 minutes later i was hit hard… they don’t call it work for nothing! i was having a hard time singing the hymns (which are a mix of Christian/African/Native influences)…then i saw white and gold and purple light surrounding Juanita and i. it was beautiful… the daime told me things- in ways i can’t begin to articulate. it showed me the purpose of certain friendships in my life. i realized that certain friends did not remain in my life because of their materialistic nature and their influence over me and that if they had stayed in my life- i wouldn’t have evolved in the same way. it told me that my friends aneesah and shar are important friendships for the evolution of my soul… ironically, though i was (in a way) participating in a religious practice, i came to the understanding that we are connected to the divine and we need not allow religion or dogma to take that direct connection away from us. (though spirits, saints, the sacred practices are to be respected and honored)…i saw clearly how there are infinite ways to interpret our experiences and infinite universes (the multiverse). the plant was teaching me that we all want to connect but it’s essential to connect authentically… i felt how deeply i love Dre, how he teaches me to love deeper, to go beyond what i thought love was and how to understand love in a new way… i felt how women should have babies for the right reasons not just because it’s expected… in fact, we should not just go along with what’s expected of us in this supposed progression that is considered “correct” – i saw how important it is for everyone to honor their own path… i got a little freaked out when the right side of my body went numb. i couldn’t move it and i thought i was paralyzed… i was thinking i’ll never dance again!… it was painful, heavy…i took a breath… Juanita said paralysis never happened to her but she’d heard of it happening to others for a brief period and that i would be fine… she said to breathe and concentrate on the hymns… later i looked up in my book (you can heal your life) and saw that the right side of the body is representative of the masculine- i immediately knew this was the daime’s way of helping me to heal my past issues with my father. eventually it subsided and when it came time for the 2nd dose of the daime i opted to take a smaller amount. this time i was inside myself more… observing, feeling…. i felt like i was inside everyone around me that there was no separation… i could see and feel deeply all of their beauty and pain…also, through the constant music during the ceremony,  i experienced in a whole other way music’s power to connect with the divine. which connected me even more to my purpose to sing!  

the daime isn’t for everyone. you have to be ready for this profound experience. and you have to be with people you trust…it’s not something i feel i could do on a regular basis… but to each their own…i would be open to trying it again and see what it teaches me… it opened me up… in fact for days i had a hard time putting myself back together again… i would feel/take on/empathize/be inside everyone’s energy even more than i already do (which is a lot!-i’m super sensitive to people’s energy)… but it’s a good lesson for me- to learn to be empathetic/feeling, to understand others but to protect myself as well. overall it was a valuable healing experience… good for the evolution of my soul… love and blessings to your soul on whatever path it takes you…

Juanita’s art entitled “Motherboard.”