last saturday night my house was filled with so much love… so much warmth, openness, connectedness… the perfect music mix courtesy of DJ Christian Gamez, more than enough varieties of alcohol, comida rica, and even some mistletoe that under i received an absolutely delicious kiss from one of my best friends… there were good hearted people having interesting conversations… everyone at ease… i set that intention of love and connection as i was getting ready for our holiday fiesta. everyone kept mentioning what great friends i have…i do! i am extremely fortunate that i have so much love in my life.
yet today i woke up the next day feeling sad. despite all the love in my life, the sadness concerning the relationship with my father has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately…. it has been almost 3 years since i’ve heard from him. and it just doesn’t make any sense to me… i spoke to my grandfather, my father’s father, yesterday. we’re not very close and don’t talk that often but i called him to give my condolences for his sister ila’s passing. (she was a lovely lady who shared her passion for reading with me which inspired my lifelong obsession). my grandfather brought up the subject of my dad and almost sounded as if he was crying. now this is not a man that shows any emotion… in fact if something emotional is brought up he usually finds a way to change the subject in an often abrupt manner, usually about the weather…. he said my dad hadn’t talked to him in years as well and he still sends him birthday cards and even left him a message saying that he loved him… but still he never hears back from him…he sounded so wounded… then he suggested that we change the subject… one of my friends said well you know it’s not just you that your dad distances himself from, he treats others that way too. but that really doesn’t give me any peace. it’s just sad. as his only child i’ve often wished that i could be the exception…
but i know i can’t get caught up in that sadness. i’ve done all i can do. given all i could give. yes it makes me sad that i don’t have a loving father in my life. but i know the only choice i have is to focus on the amazing LOVE that is in my life! especially my incredible mother who’s profound love more than makes up for his lack of love, the love my martinez family shares, the love of my sisters (my beautiful girlfriends), the love of my man, my love for music. so that’s what i’m doing focusing on the love… and then one day that’s all that i’ll feel… love.
