Tag Archives: Christmas

Christmas in Cuba

Like old women who were once BEAUTY queens, buildings radiantly worn, time has aged them increasingly VIBRANT, there’s a thickness in the air, my hair has created a life of its own, jungle texture, there’s a PURITY and a GRIT that exists in the people that hasn’t yet been corrupted by our consumerism, we praise thru song and DANCE to the deities originating from the mother, OSHUN drips honey all over her body, seduction, chango takes hold of my hips, cigarettes so prevalent my voice has some rasp, I like the sound and consider smoking for 3.7 seconds until the feeling of being boxed in with the smoke leaves me claustrophobic for freshness and life force, no puedo imaginar Cuba without vintage treasures that adorn their streets and lives and hearts, no system is flawless, I still am learning what it means to be FREE, beyond the constraints of my government, in the obscure parts of my mind, in the pained parts of my heart, dancers BRILLIANT as the sun! honored to study with maestros, limber/effortless/fluid they paint through their bodies with a strength that withstands the cement floor, my feet dance till they’re dead and reincarnate into a spirit beyond my understanding, no mirrors in class to learn so everything must be felt, the queen of folklorio reminds us to dance with our faces, Rumba! Various levels of provocativeness, one in Matanzas where the man playfully pops the woman in the pussy! damn! the roosters call our alarm clock, Guantanamo’s HEART exceeds its reputation, el aire in Santiago tan sucio – makes LA smog seem refreshing, no toilet paper in any public restrooms, my uber healthy spoiled palate adjusts to minimal veggies, good thing I love some rice and beans, pescado and platanos, mmmm fresh mango juice, dark aged rum, ménage a trois via salsa, SINGING on the verdadero American r&b tunes with Cubanos and Americanos, laughing and free, Christmas in Cuba! taking in el campo y la ciudad, the sea my heaven, every molecule baptized, there is no higher BLISS, grateful for golden LUMINOUS souls impacting the world with their light, met a 7 foot tall otherworldly angel whose hug pieced my heart together again, the father drum asks questions the mother drum gives answers, polyrhythms in my body, my heart’s elation, beautiful tears of joy born from realizations, cheeks ache from smiling, I will never be the same.

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focusing on the love…

last saturday night my house was filled with so much love… so much warmth, openness, connectedness… the perfect music mix courtesy of DJ Christian Gamez, more than enough varieties of alcohol, comida rica, and even some mistletoe that under i received an absolutely delicious kiss from one of my best friends… there were good hearted people having interesting conversations… everyone at ease… i set that intention of love and connection as i was getting ready for our holiday fiesta. everyone kept mentioning what great friends i have…i do! i am extremely fortunate that i have so much love in my life.

yet today i woke up the next day feeling sad. despite all the love in my life, the sadness concerning the relationship with my father has been weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately….  it has been almost 3 years since i’ve heard from him. and it just doesn’t make any sense to me… i spoke to my grandfather, my father’s father, yesterday. we’re not very close and don’t talk that often but i called him to give my condolences for his sister ila’s passing. (she was a lovely lady who shared her passion for reading with me which inspired my lifelong obsession). my grandfather brought up the subject of my dad and almost sounded as if he was crying. now this is not a man that shows any emotion… in fact if something emotional is brought up he usually finds a way to change the subject in an often abrupt manner, usually about the weather…. he said my dad hadn’t talked to him in years as well and he still sends him birthday cards and even left him a message saying that he loved him… but still he never hears back from him…he sounded so wounded… then he suggested that we change the subject… one of my friends said well you know it’s not just you that your dad distances himself from, he treats others that way too. but that really doesn’t give me any peace. it’s just sad. as his only child i’ve often wished that i could be the exception…

but i know i can’t get caught up in that sadness. i’ve done all i can do. given all i could give. yes it makes me sad that i don’t have a loving father in my life. but i know the only choice i have is to focus on the amazing LOVE that is in my life! especially my incredible mother who’s profound love more than makes up for his lack of love, the love my martinez family shares, the love of my sisters (my beautiful girlfriends), the love of my man, my love for music. so that’s what i’m doing focusing on the love… and then one day that’s all that i’ll feel… love.

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