Tag Archives: music

A Love Story. Part 2.

She kept his side of the bed open as if he might return. Made coffee every morning just as he instructed. Strong / solid / delicious. Enough for two. Listen for the change of pitch in the grinder. 2 teaspoons of ground coffee per cup in the french press. a tiny bit of coconut oil. 2 and half teaspoons of coconut sugar per cup… She dreamt of him. Cried for him. Coated her love for him in hatred. Drunk or praying, acting a fool or lighting candles. Went to 3 healers, 1 psychic, started A Course in Miracles, kundalini on Mondays. Singing would make the pain fade, transmute from gray to gold, to black then blue. Music her savior. How high is too high for an energetic fence? He wanted to build a fortress around her. To protect or to own?  Yet he wouldn’t claim what was his. He called her his queen but for his queen he would not fight. She doubted her worth only to find it again only to doubt it again. A shadow of a once phenomenal woman. Though she’s lost, she’s more than what they know. Multifaceted feminine energy. Complex nuances devoured mindlessly. Vulnerability. Cut wide open.  Even friends can claim you as pray in a tender moment. STOP.  He apologized later. Doesn’t make it right. It’s a shame you cannot unfuck someone. Then there was a sweetheart, teddy bear made her smile when she was drowning. Should’ve kept it on the homie tip just riding bikes and laughing, doing karaoke. It was just so nice to have someone CLAIM her, be proud of her, want to be around her all the time. But nothing healed the ache. Nothing would erase him. If it weren’t for the Earth angels/ sisters/ girlfriends / heroes she might never have gotten up off the floor.. I feel ill. This has gotten ugly. I can’t blot out the things you’ve said. Your lenses don’t allow you to see my light. Partner or servant? Why do you withhold? Made to feel less than… I’m your whore that you no longer engage. Eternal rejection. I’m put on pause until it’s convenient for you to acknowledge. This is no life. This is not the love I dreamed of.

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Happy New Year (yeah I know it’s almost February)…

Happy New Year lovers and dreamers! Yeah I know it’s almost February! It’s been a hectic month, full of change, adventures, lessons, and TRANSFORMATION! I’m making a point to share more of my deepest sentiments with the world once again through this blog.

I know it can be cliche to reflect back on the previous year but I feel like it’s essential to our growth and understanding of self. It’s also a time to acknowledge what’s working in your life and what isn’t. 2012 was such a time of great change for our entire planet in various capacities. I think it was the most difficult year of my life thus far, but with that difficulty unfolds the beautiful evolution of our soul.

Focusing on the positive, my highlights of 2012 were completing my second project The Soft Glow of Electric Sex, and epic BURNING MAN adventure, deepening my friendships, finishing my certification to teach yoga, and developing the courage to follow my heart even when it’s difficult!

My intention for 2013 is more MUSIC, travel, beautiful creation, abundance, and LOVE.

Love and blessings to everyone in 2013!

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manifestation, music, snowflakes, and hummingbirds

the fall is coming. i have yet 2 feel the chill. i’m taking off supernova style to places only found in dreams. i’m studying in the school of manifestation and i’m an honors student. i’m eradicating all fears. i’m requiring belief in myself and the stream of well being. i sang my baby into existence and i will dance as she grows tan hermosa…su voz su mensaje dentro su musica. i’ve connected electricity in the form of our hearts. no one will come between us. we’ll never be apart. u are the most intricate and beautiful snowflake i’ve ever tasted on the tip of my tongue and if u listen closely i’ll whisper the secrets of yemanja. let’s bloom into a garden of paradise. the hummingbirds adorned me with their blessings. so todo es posible en musica, en amor, y en vida…

found this in my diary from last year dated… 10.5.08

hummingbird

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Be yourself and liberate the world

i received the message… no more holding back world… i’m going full force… i thought that i was already was in full effect… but alas the signs are telling me otherwise… that i’m STILL holding back from being the fullest expression of myself….of course we are always evolving… but i mean being BOLD musically .. today i had a voice lesson with dannielle gaha that made me elated… she is an absolute musical goddess. flawless. soulful. filled with love. and this vocal angel told me that i have so much voice i’m not using… and though i’ve felt this way before.. hearing this from a woman i admire so much struck a chord with me… i have so much to give! and i need to give it! fully. completely. 

today when talking with one of the guys from the band, bryan, i started sharing with him a story of the 1st time i wrote a song and played it for my dad ….my friend cyrous who i met in govenor’s school played guitar and we started writing this song together…after i was finished singing my first song to my dad, i asked my father what he thought and he said “what do you want me to say dree, i’ve heard 1000s of songs”…  not that my father had to say “you are such an incredible singer. i love your song” but maybe he could’ve said… “that’s a great start to writing songs.”…it was just that his tone was so condescending, demeaning even…. it scarred me in such a way that i didn’t complete another song for 9 years (until i met dre)… i got so emotional sharing this story, tears began to fall down my face and i realized it’s STILL effecting me… my father’s words… bryan tried to reassure me, saying because of what i’ve been through with my dad that i’m at a whole other level where people just can’t even fuck with me, that i’m strong now…and i am strong.. but i thought today.. wow- i really let that hold me back…. i’ve known this already but revisiting this memory and finding such emotion… made me realize i still am holding myself back… that i have room to grow in the fullest expression of my creativity… that i don’t have to withhold all this creativity for fear of not being good enough…and maybe this withholding is why sometimes i feel like i’m going to burst if i don’t sing or i feel like i can’t breathe if i can’t create…

the universe is telling me through those around me that i am more powerful than i thought and i need to be BOLD…bold in who i am…bold in my music and in my voice… so i’m vowing to fully “break the funk out this box” i put myself in… and be completely BOLD in my self-expression.. 

“Pebble to a Pearl” by Nikka Costa

Baby girl too shy to shine
Let everybody else take the light
Didn’t want to burn too bright
So she kept it all inside

Little girl go beat your drum
Go and see what all you can become
Playin’ small don’t serve no one
Face your fears and you will overcome

‘Cause the tears that we been cryin’
Been workin’ overtime

It’s about time that we got our joyful
That we got our joyful on

Don’t be afraid to live out loud
Never squash who you are be proud
You’re a universal sound
Whatcha gotta say, say it loud

Baby don’t ya act demure
So nobody else feels insecure
Be yourself and liberate the world
Don’t ya be a pebble be a pearl

lil girl and tuba

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detours to our dreams and lessons learned

our dreams often don’t unfold the way we planned… we can envision our dream becoming a reality, work towards our dream diligently, and trust that the universe (or God) will make everything align and still the dream doesn’t SEEM to come into fruition… but i believe we should dare to adjust our perception and think perhaps this is just a detour, a lesson to be learned before our dream comes true… and perhaps our dream might come true in an even grander way… there are INFINITE POSSIBILITES!!!!…   

now that the album is in the completion phase, i can reflect and see the detours to my dreams and the lessons i’ve learned…. here’s the cliffs notes version on the reflection of how i’ve arrived to where i am today…..i grew up singing, knowing this is what i wanted to do… i loved growing up in North Carolina but was super focused on going to NYC after high school to pursue music. unfortunately, i was discouraged by many to go to a place so big where i would be swallowed up by heathens or something like that…so i ended up staying in NC and going to study opera for 2 years at UNCG… (detour: Greensboro, NC) (lesson learned: don’t let anyone tell you where/how you should live your life)… my music education was valuable and i made some great friendships yet i didn’t really get a sense of the music business in the small town of Greensboro… fortunately, my uncle mario heard me sing at my mom’s wedding and encouraged me to come to LA to sing and live with him there. so july 4, 2001, i left to drive across country to explore this other world (because it IS another world)… the first year here i sang back up gigs, made a pop demo (that was supposed to consist of  music i wrote but ended up being butchered, over processed, and unauthentic) (lesson learned: make music that truly represents who you are and what you’re about)… also, my dad stopped talking to me i think (i’m still not sure) because he was upset that i was dropping out of school-though i never said i was dropping out it was more of a break really- after a year of adjustment to LA, i ended up going to USC’s School of Music and studying jazz (much more fitting for my love of freedom and improvisation in music)… unfortunately, because i had a jealous, insecure boyfriend i didn’t gig that much- he was very threatened by me collaborating with others (lesson learned: don’t let others hold you back from living your dream- it they’re trying to hold you back they don’t really know how to love you)… also, i was working in a burlesque / gentleman’s club to pay for the other half of my tuition that wasn’t covered with grants…(so many lessons learned there – see my blog on empowerment through our sexuality)… not a very healthy environment… after school i took yet another 2 year detour (i didn’t know how to really go for it… and i was scared)… (detour: The William Morris Agency). after learning a ridiculous amount about the music business (my boss was amazing enough to let me sit in on all the meetings with these music biz geniuses), i still found myself unhappy on the business side of things and not doing what i was meant to be doing- SINGING damn it! (lesson learned: sometimes we have to take detours to gain information that will later help us excel in our dreams!!!). so i did some spiritual work (i need many blogs to express the spiritual work i did and am still doing), i read countless books one called “feel the fear and do it anyway” (i know -bad title but good book for me at the time), i reread “the alchemist” (the book that made me believe in signs and influenced my big move to LA in the first place), also took in “the power of the subconscious mind” and absorbed many, many other books… i’m a queen of inspirational reads- i can send you a list just email me :)… things shifted. i transformed. (well i’m still transforming!) then i just went for it! i even reached out to musicians way beyond my echelon for advice, guidance, and connections. why not? what did i have to lose? (lesson learned: always aim to surround yourself with people that know more than you do in order to grow)… and from reaching out to Prince’s keyboard player, who didn’t have time to produce my record as he was on tour with Prince, i was connected with the super talented Andre De Sant’anna who produced and co-wrote M.U.S.I.C. with me  (a dream come true), which has been the last 2 years of my life (along with way too much for this blog – that’s more bio material 40 years from now)… And out of our musical collaboration a deep love flourished… (lessons learned: our dreams sometimes are intertwined (a dream of love and music), sometimes they don’t come true in the way we expect them to, and sometimes they unfold grander than we imagined)…

now to dream a bigger dream 🙂

dream

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