Tag Archives: self expression

The Words (part one)

her mother would say the words so often that it almost became her exhale. exhausting their power with frequent repetition.

her father would skim over the words like a little boy skips stones over a wide, glassy bed of water. he infused them with humor, an uncomfortable utterance.

today the kids are nonchalant with the words. they use them when someone did them a favor, got them out of a sticky situation… they use them to pay homage to food, technology and other material deities. “oh my GOD… (insert words here in valley girl voice!)”

she honors the words though she’s used them a plenty, she bears their flag with honor, holds a space for their depth in every molecule of her essence. she prays and makes sacrifices to their divinity…

once she said the words first to a man. only once. yet he couldn’t find the courage to reply…. he withheld the words like . yet she needs the words. the words give her peace. if the world ends tomorrow would he wish he said them? she wonders. she wants to retract the vulnerable, accented words because she’s so exposed now… uncovered heart beating. but it’s too late now. she can only hope that one day he’ll return her sentiment.

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free flow recollection: Burning Man 2012.

An epic wonderland adventure. Off the grid vibe. Post apocalyptic. Exponentially Creative people. Multisexual beings causing my gaydar to be off. Giant teeth art car. Geometric massive shapes. Tetas of every shape/size/dimension/contortion/makeup. Dick with your breakfast? Cockrings! Naked bike rides. Halloween meets carnival meets Vegas meets wonderland meets outer space. Creative costuming. Robots. Temples. Metaphysical inspiration. Alex Grey. Where does your art come from? What is the message? Daniel Pinchbeck. Is monogamy or polygamy evolved? How do you feel about technology integrating within us? How does the media coordinate behavior? The “rebel hipster” disempowers us cause even the rebel is marketed. Exploring sacred plants with intention, consciously and with purpose. TV creates a trance like state, makes us believe that violence is normal. Darkness is given a role and positivity/light is the leader. Negative consequences of things we once thought positive. Spiritual work while dreaming. Crop circles. Beam a thought into someone’s head. Electromagnetic interventions. Free Japanese noodles- jump to head of the line if u sumo wrestle. Gift giving. Love. Affection. Shrooms. Connection. Understanding. Energy. Clarity. Release of all you’ve been repressing. Spirits. Purpose. Loyalty. Nastiest toilets in the history of man. Future. Beginnings. Longing. Affection. Soul mates. Chemistry. Drawn to each other like magnets. Goggles. Bandanas. Glow gear. Playa feet. Dancing. Debauchery. Dark and the light. Crass. Crazy. Obscene. Pure. Purposeful Yoga. Cliché yoga. Playa hair. Performing on a bike powered stage. Polenta cakes. Free Vietnamese iced coffee. More nakedness. Girls on silks mesmerize. The beautiful harpist makes me sleep. Drum band. Reverbia live music camp. Rosario Dawson. Burn the man. Fireworks. Sacred temple. Love potion camp. He recommended the bed. Transcendental downloads. Salsa dancing. Stripper pole. Orgy tent (didn’t go in). Foosball. Make a 3 minute call anywhere in the world. Pussy juice (the cocktail). LSD. Outdoor showers. Grey water. Giant swing set. Janky sound system. Massive dust storms. Nature as a book of signs. Darker vibe on the weekend. Too much techno. Where the other genres at? Amazing playful art car! Ride on the top. Free cocktails. Spin around. Use the slide to exit. Heart to hearts with friends. Forgiveness. Tribe. Faux fur. Beautiful sunsets. People going insane in the best way. Take it with a grain of dust. Conscious art. Destiny of the planet. Using psychedelics to understand ourselves and others. I heard him ask, How is it that people can get a tattoo which is a lifetime commitment but can’t manage to stay in a committed relationship? She answers, Because a tattoo is looking at the outside of u while a relationship is looking at the inside of u. Damn! Animalistic. Divinity. What’s the truth? Walk through craziness and dust storms and insanity to find home. He’s my home? Evolution. I have your back. Loyalty. SURRENDER. A woman of the desert. Then it was time to get the fuck out. Every artist should cum come here at least once. Fire dancers. Aerialists. All ages. Mostly whites. No commerce unless you want an iced coffee/chai tea or hot chocolate at center camp. No tv. No phones. No computers. Dust storms create viejos. White out. Freedom. Belonging. Open mindedness. Open mindlessness. Culture shock upon return. Alternative to the maxxx. I might have to go to Venice beach or melrose once a week to get my freak fixxx. Mad max! Sex on blast. Think in new ways. Money is bullshit. Society’s unspoken rules are bollocks. Fearless self-expression.

photo by Andre de Santanna

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2009 like wine u got better with time…

when i think of how this year developed i am amazed! it was a year of spiritual rebirth, of bringing creation into the world. a year of such growth…. i started the year living with my boyfriend in his mother’s garage in van nuys.  i remember waking up to the mechanics next door working on cars loudly, the fumes permeating the room, we would huddle together freezing (even with the floor heater and blankets)…the engines and drills would begin around 7 am and we had just gone to bed 3 hours prior from working on the album- which at the time felt would NEVER get finished.  i remember the borracho neighbor (who started drinking in the morning) and would put this horrible song on repeat as loud as his stereo could go… one day i got out of bed and walked into his garage (he wasn’t there yet he had left the song on) and turned it down myself.  i just didn’t give a fuck anymore! i felt stuck, stagnant in my environment. eeeiiii dios! i could go on… but how the year transitioned!!!!! how i transcended!  the affirmations, the prayer, my manifestation group, the love energy i gave brought about so many beautiful manifestations!  my debut album was released in july – M. U. S. I. C. (Magnificent Unique Sexy Intelligent Creativity) dre and i put together a phenomenal band, seriously ridiculously gifted musicians who are family. i am beyond grateful for them! we’ve had incredible shows that keep growing in connection, musicianship, inventiveness, passion and energy! we moved to an absolutely beautiful home of our own that i can’t help but feel continuous intense gratitude for. i love love love it! i feel like i’ve developed and spiritually deeped my friendships and relationships with my family. i’m understanding them and myself in new ways.  i feel so blessed to be connecting to such amazing souls through my blog.  this year was filled with so many challenges and blessings! it was my coming out year musically. and i cannot undo what i’ve done. i cannot go back to life without creation, artistic growth, and self-expression. i had been waiting for this my whole life!!! and it’s happening! and it’s happening for a reason as i know i’m meant to give love and inspiration through music. it always amazes me how everything can change so quickly. how we can be in such a dark place and then soon find the light.


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empowerment through our sexuality

yes our sexuality is POWERFUL!!!! …powerful in our connection with others- as a performer on stage as well as in our daily (and nightly) interactions with others…  i think it’s amazing when women and men are authentic in their sexuality and how they express it…but there’s a thin line between what’s for show (don’t try so hard/don’t give it all away!) and what is genuine/natural/effortless (you just being you).  and it’s sad to me when a woman feels that it is her ONLY option in gaining love, admiration, affection, and empowerment is through her sex. in fact sometimes our sexuality can distract from our other talents and true intellect. i’m making it one of my missions (one of many) to help women (especially young girls) to appreciate/honor/cherish/embrace their femininity and sexuality but not use it as a primary source of empowerment… 

“i’ve been empowered by my sexuality and found it fleeting and false… i want to be known for my word…my intellect…my thoughts…and ideas—dancing in my mind, like fireflies, pure electricity… because that is eternal…” – from my journal on June 9, 2006…

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revolutionizing the idea of beauty

i used to have a boyfriend who told me i was the most beautiful woman in the world everyday… it was amazing i have to say… there’s something so reassuring, comforting, and uplifting about being told how beautiful you are-by your love, by your friends and family, by a total stranger in the market (thank you to the man who said “I love good food, see what it produces” at the whole foods in studio city)…..it’s validating, yet i feel we depend too much on the validation of others especially when it come to appearance. i want women to feel empowered by their spirits, their minds, their essence, their ideas, the love they exude… because that is timeless and true… and i want to attempt to understand beauty in a deeper way… why are we so obsessed with beauty? i admit i am fascinated with all things beautiful- songs, paintings, dance, sex, love, nature, fashion, women, men, even food can be beautiful to me, beautiful shoes, lingerie, things that are unique i find especially beautiful… recently, i even went around taking pictures of the less than beautiful neighborhood i am currently residing in attempt to find something beautiful in an environment i was struggling to exist in-there is poverty, rats, cockroaches, trash in the streets….. so I sought to capture life, the unique flavor of the neighborhood… i discovered this bush of beautiful fuchsia flowers and it makes me happy every time i look at it… honestly, i feel at home in beauty. and not in just a superficial way- in fact a physically beautiful man or woman who is arrogant or unauthentic immediately becomes extremely unattractive in my eyes. beauty is an energy, an art… there are lower income areas like boyle heights that find means to express beauty though plants/flowers/murals and there are places in beverly hills (that i’ve lived in as well- yes i’ve honestly lived in almost every hood in LA) that I consider too cold to be beautiful – plastic/sterile/neat/organized yet dead… beauty is about true self expression, authentically living in the vast energies of the world…

we all know beauty is a billion dollar industry-make-up/anti-aging creams/plastic surgery/fashion etc. how much of this industry is used to truly uplift us in our vision of ourselves vs. making us feel inferior? and how important is beauty truly? what defines beauty? they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder yet why do certain cultures/countries/eras adopt certain ideals of beauty? i can imagine people in the future laughing at how people used to put giant plastic bags in their chest to make their breasts appear larger… people use their beauty, manipulate their beauty, are oblivious of their beauty (i have a friend who is honestly the most naturally beautiful woman i’ve ever known who doesn’t recognize how gorgeous she is), complain of their beauty (jessica biel- are we supposed to feel sorry for you because you’re too pretty to get certain roles? if halle berry proved she can play a crack addict then maybe it’s not your beauty preventing you from getting the role?? anyway, i digress)…..i’d like to think that people are catching on to the idea of beauty being more than just in the physical realm- the dove campaign for real women, the recent episode on desperate housewives where gabrielle (eva longoria) tells her daughter she wants her to be more than just a shell… though marketing and hollywood can be powerful in our ideas of beauty it’s really up to us to REVOLUTIONIZE THE IDEA OF BEAUTY… to think and speak and appreciate beauty in a more meaningful way… to relish in beautiful moments, to show gratitude to the beautiful souls who inspire us, who share and spread love everyday, to REALLY find the beauty in everyone, to focus on beautiful energy, the essence that connects us all, to live authentically, to make our lives our work of art, and maybe plant some flowers in an neighborhood that needs them… 


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