miracle

Looked in the mirror today. Not like I usually do. I looked deeper. I forgot that I was beautiful. I miss the way u used to look at me. U drank me in. I felt like a queen. U took your time. Bobby Womack would’ve been proud. I light candles with prayers that your words and actions will dance a dance that would make my abuela proud. I have given everything. Destroyed and created universes. My heart has learned to replenish itself with cloaks of faith that bleed out indifference. A birthday card from a year and a half ago, in the drawer beside my bed…wonder if well have that sexcation. I have revirginized myself for you. U used to clown men who don’t put in WORK and now you’re collecting unemployment checks. I have placed myself on your alter time and time again. I have done everything in the power of my minds eye. I have changed my thermostat to happiness only please. I read to expand. I own my shit. I know my flaws. I work to grow this garden of mine. This garden of magnificent dreams. Dreams that you have helped design. I have diminished my shine unwillingly. I still see u. Beneath the layers of this. I have developed super hero powers to see thru the walls you’ve put between us. Ive cut through the jungle of our past with a razor sharp machete only to come face to face with a ghost of nonchalance. I’ve painted my skin every color of gold at the chance that you would engulf yourself in me once again. antique with cracks. Vibrant as the summer sun yet you seem to be more intrigued by winter. Maybe its cause of your 90s jacket that you love to wear. I’ve lost my mind. I’m going to let Salem Moqueca put a leash on me and walk me around the park. I want to bury myself in the sands of time and awaken reborn into to a world where you show me the LOVE that I know is within you. Bliss permeating every cell. Remember that? Conversations must be had with rainbows in our mouths, COURAGE IN OUR HEARTS, and ruby encrusted shoes. There’s no place like home. My hearts a gypsy but not by choice, knocking at your door, looking for an open room for for rest, for peace, for acceptance, for solidity, for nourishment. Suffering from malnutrition but it still beats strong. Another continent, 3 times zones, and 4 days without your voice yet that’s still not enough…….. space. Thought of moving to another galaxy, maybe that would suffice. I ask if you miss me. That upsets u! U feel pressure from me being on the love tip. Yet you say you love me. That you have never loved a woman as much as you love me. Should I be silent? Should I keep it surface? Should I dim the truth of who I am!? A soul, a woman who expresses and needs love as I do air and music and dance and laughter and freedom and joy. I’m singing your song and I can’t find the pocket. No matter how hard I try. You keep switching up the time on me. There’s no metronome to meet this madness. We need a miracle. Only God can heal this.

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A Love Story. Part 2.

She kept his side of the bed open as if he might return. Made coffee every morning just as he instructed. Strong / solid / delicious. Enough for two. Listen for the change of pitch in the grinder. 2 teaspoons of ground coffee per cup in the french press. a tiny bit of coconut oil. 2 and half teaspoons of coconut sugar per cup… She dreamt of him. Cried for him. Coated her love for him in hatred. Drunk or praying, acting a fool or lighting candles. Went to 3 healers, 1 psychic, started A Course in Miracles, kundalini on Mondays. Singing would make the pain fade, transmute from gray to gold, to black then blue. Music her savior. How high is too high for an energetic fence? He wanted to build a fortress around her. To protect or to own?  Yet he wouldn’t claim what was his. He called her his queen but for his queen he would not fight. She doubted her worth only to find it again only to doubt it again. A shadow of a once phenomenal woman. Though she’s lost, she’s more than what they know. Multifaceted feminine energy. Complex nuances devoured mindlessly. Vulnerability. Cut wide open.  Even friends can claim you as pray in a tender moment. STOP.  He apologized later. Doesn’t make it right. It’s a shame you cannot unfuck someone. Then there was a sweetheart, teddy bear made her smile when she was drowning. Should’ve kept it on the homie tip just riding bikes and laughing, doing karaoke. It was just so nice to have someone CLAIM her, be proud of her, want to be around her all the time. But nothing healed the ache. Nothing would erase him. If it weren’t for the Earth angels/ sisters/ girlfriends / heroes she might never have gotten up off the floor.. I feel ill. This has gotten ugly. I can’t blot out the things you’ve said. Your lenses don’t allow you to see my light. Partner or servant? Why do you withhold? Made to feel less than… I’m your whore that you no longer engage. Eternal rejection. I’m put on pause until it’s convenient for you to acknowledge. This is no life. This is not the love I dreamed of.

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Grand Performances Minnie Riperton Tribute

Just processed the experience of the Minnie Riperton tribute at Grand Performances. It truly was a DREAM COME TRUE. To celebrate and experience Minnie Riperton’s beautiful, otherworldly, spiritual, sensual, conscious music with such phenomenal musicians and ridiculously gifted singers (singers that I deeply admire and respect) was something I’ll never forget. And to be around so many singers that support eachother’s shine is really special! We need more of that in this world! I feel like my musical family is extended in a beautiful way. I am more than grateful! #epic #musical #night #supermoon #openair #grandperformances #thedecodersmusic #minnieriperton #tribute #queens #elevate #community #niaandrews #coco #kimbra #jimettarosesmith #toddmsimon #thalmadefreitas#brandoneugeneowens #stevehaney #adamberg #kadjabonet #nikiranda#joeydosik #tylanarenga #gavinrohonoda #ambercoffman #mosessumney #marahruby

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My uncle Ray just passed. I remember being 5 or 6 years old and riding on the back of my uncle’s Harley-Davidson motorcycle. I remember being 12 and both of my dad’s brother’s encouraging me to take my grandfather’s car and drive it… On the highway…. And as we drove past my grandfather and mom in another car, them laughing their asses off. He was the first man I ever saw wear a thong (until I lived in west Hollywood). We were at his lake house in GA. My dad made many, many jokes that day…. My uncle had an adventurous spirit to say the least. He had a good heart. He was affectionate and warm. He seemed to believe in love as he married 3 times. He also found Jesus. He went from Hell’s Angels to Bikers for Jesus. Every Christmas he sent a card that was some variation of him holding a gun and riding a horse. My friends thought these cards were jokes. I said “no my dad’s family is really that Southern.” :) He could build things, even his own home. I admire that. He joked about me letting him be my tour bus driver…. He liked my song “variety pack.” I wasn’t close to him as I got older unfortunately. Perhaps because he’s my father’s brother and that association was painful for me. Or perhaps I was a bit close minded to developing a relationship with him because I just felt like we were from 2 very different worlds with very different belief systems. Or maybe the dark stories my father played on repeat about him from his childhood that he never got over affected me subconsciously. My uncle tried to reconnect with my father but he was not receptive. I’m sure there is some wisdom that I missed out on from my uncle. It’s unfortunate. He’s gone from this plane. I believe death is a beautiful transition. But it wakes you up a bit… To life in this realm. On this plane.  He wasn’t old. How many years do we have with our families? And how much quality time do we get with them?? With all of our loved ones?

I believe souls reunite. I believe that love never dies.

“When it comes to death, laugh at it. Death is only an experience through which you are meant to learn a great lesson: you cannot die…Our real self, the soul, is immortal.” -Paramahansa Yogananda

“Friends of other lives easily recognize one another in the astral world. Rejoicing at the immortality of friendship, they realize the indestructaibility of love, often doubted at the time of sad, delusive partings of Earthly life.” -Sri Yukteswar

“If you send them your loving thoughts now, someday you will surely meet them again. You will know that this life is not the end, but merely one link in the eternal chain of your relationship with your loved ones.” -Paramahansa Yogananda

Some photos of my Uncle Ray. He really loved guns. He was a little gangsta that way. May he rest in peace.

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Riding motorcycles, family, love, and death

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a love story. part 1.

i notice the smallest gestures and give them meaning because when you love every little thing has such meaning, even if it doesn’t. everything that’s seasoned with romance i psychotically assume that you intended for me. i want your love that badly. i thought my heart was wide open like the sky but you broke it open to another stratosphere, so light pours forth from a world within me that was not born until you arrived.

when i think of you i shine a bit brighter. when you’re near i radiate something undefinably magical that draws you closer. i am unlocked. unprotected. raw. emotionally naked. there is no space between us because you are within me, reverberating your rhythm in the fabric of my heart. you have penetrated my origin. i hope i’m surprised with the outcome of this journey. we lost the map. intuition our GPS.

you said,”I don’t want to just fuck you, I want to make love to you.” and you meant it. your touch is not a want any more, it’s a need. like food, water, shelter. energy unparalleled. we could solve the world’s energy crisis if it could be contained. multidimensional. metaphysical. tender then rough then tender. our love making dynamics. catastrophic tension. polyrhythmic acrobatics. i spill my womanhood around you unintentionally.

i’ve never wanted to kiss someone so badly.

i accidentally profess my love for you and propose to you when i’m drunk. i don’t do that.

i said, “sometimes I think I’m in love with you.” you said, “If things were different, you would be the only girl in my world.” “if things were different, i would’ve taken you away.” “there are so many things i want to say but can’t.” “you’re the sexiest b*tch of all time.” “i love the way your mind works.” “you have a big ass heart.” “you’re everything a perfect woman should be.” “i want to be with you.” “it feels like you’re my girl.” “of course.” “i can’t do this.” “i fucking love the way you…” “you deserve to be ecstatically happy.”

you deserve to be ecstatically happy.

you look at me like you’re in love with me. we look at each other as if we have fallen in love over and over and over again, many lifetimes. bonnie and clyde adventures. legendary love. this is messy. like molasses. but not as slow. we are hidden. made to flourish in shadows. no room to breathe except in my imagination. the lies cut me. you tell me to express my truth through action. but i’m stuck in the mud. silently choked by my best friend. heart divided. i doubt myself. i reassure myself. gotta find myself. fuck. why does it have to cut so close? karmic meaning? healing? breaking patterns. this is reoccurring, i know it’s real. i know you’re real. i know we’re real. this can’t be a dream? my heart has had physical pain from being silenced. but then i hear your voice and all feels right in the world. you give me peace. i just have to hear your voice. i just have to see you. but i can’t.

passion.

honesty.

integrity.

truth.

love.

we make plans. to me they’re not a dream. to me they are possible. st. lucia. a tour. a christmas picnic. you listen. you remember. you connect. you are meaningful. you find meaning in ways that inspire me. maybe you’re the one. maybe you’ll never get complacent. damn how did we get this far? we are insane. we have created patterns. i have written love letters only to have them self-destruct. i want something tangible. my memory unfortunately faulty. how can we come to the light? how can we handle all with care? we analyze. we conclude. we re-analzye. we over analyze. maybe we just want to talk to each other? ha! we laugh. we can be silly. we can be so fun. i just wanna play with you. i just wanna smile with you. i just want to dance with you. i just want to be myself with you and you be yourself with me. i just want to drink with you. i just want to make love with you. i just want to cook with you. i just want to read with you. i just want to explore with you. i just want to fuck you, suck you, make you come. i just want to be free with you. 

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